[Most Emailed Photos] [Most Fortunate Fortune]

Most Emailed Photos - 02/26/2004 by Mort
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Meditation, not matter how much I try, it's not working for me.

I guess it's my wild kitten mind, it can never keep still.

It's always thinking of the lesbians, wait no this is a nightmare...

...ah heavenly.


The challenge was to take the top 3 most emailed photos on yahoo and create a hopefully amusing story about the sequence. I reserve the right to refuse a disturbing picture, this includes any pictures of celine dion.

Please feel free to add alternative captions if you can or comments if you can't.

All rights to the photos belong to the companies in brackets beneath them. All text, concepts and layout is copyright Mort 2003-2007.


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2am, 3am 4am... I can't tell which, it's the same enclosing darkness, the same hissing silence -- timeless. My eyes are wide open, staring straight into the blackness. I remember doing the same thing when I was three years old, one of my first memories.

Lying in my parents bed in the middle of the night -- both of them sleeping. Staring at the deep silence, listening to the dark noise. If you stare hard enough your brain starts to try and make sense of it all. It tries to give meaning to stray photons, or to the tiny blood cells that flow constantly across your retina. When I was three I imagined the swirling colourful images to be secret aliens, as they blurred in and out of my attention. I watched them carefully as they circled all around me, shutting my eyes down tight whenever they got too close.

Now older, I still lie here, doing the same thing. I love and hate this feeling. I ache for sleep, for the dreams I will have, but I can't yet. Dizzy with fatigue my mind enters a strange place, it becomes odd, odder even than usual. I feel wonderfully dishcloth, and comfortably saucepan.

I welcome it all in, the swirling fuzzy shapes, the static, the sleep deprived imaginations. The patterns my mind discerns are no longer aliens, they are the representations of the dancing thoughts inside my head.

I imagine myself in the dark, sitting in a deep enveloping chair. The chair and I in it, are in the most intelligently imaginative, and creative mind -- a deep well of inspiration. The jitter-bugging patterns become the thoughts and dreams of this fanciful mind fidgeting all around me. Like elaborate dazzling butterflies flitter-flutter, some landing gently on me, allowing glimpses, snatches of marvelous things, sparking my own muse.

It's like every great idea is in here, every book, every piece of music, every painting capable of emulsifying emotions. If only I could just reach and grab more glimpses, but I'm now feeling too warm and comforted to move, like I am being hugged.

I fall asleep finally, dreaming of the owner of such a mind.

There are 30 messages for this day.
<David Byrden> Damn it, how can I avoid mentioning lesbians or pussies?
<JulieK> I am pretty sure it is impossible.
<Carol> I would just like to brag that I was dissed by Roger M. yesterday so I am somebody now! 8^)
<guyPaulo> You're definitely a regular now Carol. Getting bashed by Roger was your rite of passage. Don't take it personally though, its Roger's role here at MEP.
<Carol> Yes, I was pleased that it was one of his custom-tailored ones! ...I will feel like a regular if I can post something really sort of crappy and everyone feels free to just go, "meh." [Well, I gotta get to work now.]
<mypalmike> What you need is more fiber. You know, to feel more regular.
<WeAreAllOne> Mike, now that the current user info has been restored, I am able to figure out that you are also Goober???

Can you figure out who I am?

<Jmofwiw> Mike was not Goober. I was Goober. Although I was not "Goober???" or "Goober?"
<ajiav> i didn't have time to say yesterday, but i was Burn-yer-mouth-eriffic, Martin Luther Milk, Eggs Farrakhan, Butt Deadly, and Cinnammon Cooch Candy
<JulieK> Congrats Carol! hehe
<JulieK> Mort I used to call those little dots my "sparkle friends" when I was younger.
<Mort> I am just glad I am not the only one who sees them.
<JulieK> I used to think so and I asked me friends and they were like "what?"
<Stormi> I see them too, provided I've had too much caffine and spend hours on end trying and failing to fall asleep.
<Jellyloo> I learned never to mention stuff like that to friends. I alternately see those dots and fractal patterns and giant splotches of color that morph and converge.
<Mort> I guess we are are all friends here. Friends who see dead people weird blobs.
<Jellyloo> How can you help me if you don't believe me?
<Stormi> I believe you. I think we all have seen some variation of what you've mentioned.
<Mort> Maybe we should start the "People who see things in the dark" club. Where we can discuss the things we see, with everyone believing.
<Stormi> I thought that was what this site is all about.
<jellyloo> Where do I sign up? Will I get unwanted solicitations from people trying to sell me a blindfold subscription?
<Mort> We will meet in the secret tree house in the orchard, just past the muddy field.

Bring good shoes.

<JulieK> Mostly alls I see are dots. Red ones crash in like waves sometimes, and sometimes dots of blue, yellow, and red in different sizes come in. Much like the Wonder Bread bag. Also I try to make green ones but I can't get a green thing any bigger than a little worm thing surrounded by purple. STUPID DOTS
<mypalmike> I think the dots are bacteria swimming on your cornea.
<JulieK> That is kind of gross.
<3Suns> Actually, I've heard that most of the swimmy things you see on the surface of your eye are fragments of broken capillaries. If your eyes go bloodshot for whatever reason, they are more visible.
<Mort> Well there are always capillaries across your eyes obscuring your view. The brain does it's best to remove them before it processes what you are seeing.
<mypalmike> It's bacteria, dammit! That's my story and I'm sticking with it!
<obtuse> I miss MEP on weekends... :(
<Mort> I have been thinking of ways to get this working on the weekend too, but I can not do it.

BTW I will not be here on Monday, I will be in Disneyland. So I will post Monday's caption early on Sunday instead.

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