[Most Emailed Photos] [Most Fortunate Fortune]

Most Emailed Photos - 02/16/2004 by Mort
<--  First Choose an alternative caption:  > Last   -->-->

He was the Average Joe, and no matter how he dressed he could never rise above normalcy.

She was the beautiful bachelorette, not the type of woman that would even notice someone like him.

But now in the "most dramatic rose ceremony yet", we will add an extra twist.


The challenge was to take the top 3 most emailed photos on yahoo and create a hopefully amusing story about the sequence. I reserve the right to refuse a disturbing picture, this includes any pictures of celine dion.

Please feel free to add alternative captions if you can or comments if you can't.

All rights to the photos belong to the companies in brackets beneath them. All text, concepts and layout is copyright Mort 2003-2007.


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Board [Post Message]

My name is Mort and my wife is addicted to reality television.


There are 58 messages for this day.
<Lauren> Hi, my name is Lauren and I use TV as an escape from reality. I am proud to say I have never watched any reality television show from start to finish. Mort, if you had anything to do with the purchase of a home television system, you may be an enabler. Look for a support group in your area and, for god's sake, toss out that remote.
<guyPaulo> Instead of watching reality TV, last night I watch the movie "Sin-Eater" with Heath Ledger. Let's just say that watching 12 hours of "The Littlest Real World Idol Groom with the Obnoxious Fiance" would have been a better use of my time.
<Lauren> I watched Gangs of New York. I should have done laundry and vacuumed. My life would have been fuller for it.
<3Suns> I watched Sweet November, which might have been a passable movie if it wasn't the worst-written awful chick flick ever, and if Keanu Reeves had the ability to play dramatic roles.
<guyPaulo> One of the worst movies I've seen lately was Ocean's Eleven. It had Julie Roberts, George Clunney, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, Don Cheetle, Brad Pitt, and a host of other top-name actors. 2 words, 7 syllables: explosive diarrhea. Imagine my suprise when it was announced that they're planning a sequel.
<3Suns> What're they gonna call it, Ocean's Twenty-two?
<Jmofwiw> Ocean's Ten. It's a prequel.
<Lauren> Even tho it's a great photo, that last pic sure is difficult to tie in to the first two...
<yoyology> Guy, do yourself a favor and watch the original Rat Pack Ocean's Eleven. It's not the world's greatest film, but it's a lot of fun, and has to be at least an order of magnitude better than any film starring George Clooney.

And in other news, I watched On the Waterfront for the first time in my life yesterday afternoon. Wow. What an incredible cast! If you've never seen it, do. Right now.
<Lauren> Good afternoon, yoyo. We missed you yesterday. I saw On the Waterfront a long time ago, but will take your advice and rent it tonight. Thanks.
<yoyology> Yesterday I spent the whole day with my 4-year-old son. We had a wonderful time!
<guyPaulo> For older films, I'd go with Sunset Boulevard or Key Largo. Waterfront is good, but for the best Brando performance, bar none, go forward 2 decades to Apocolypse Now.
<Mort> I think the title is Ocean's 12.
<Mort> Oh and Lauren... My remote cost $250, I ain't tossing that thing anywhere.
<Lauren> Codependent.
<Mort> No, I programmed it to switch everything off with one button.
<Jmofwiw> Considering what's on TV most nights that's a nice feature.
<bolsach> You will not get much chance to watch reality TV soon - little E will have it all under control - can you still get Teletubbies?
<Mort> I think the teletubbies will be a welcome change.
<bolsach> Have fun....
<Mort> Do people get voted out of the teletubbies? Do they have to eat dubious animal parts to win money? Do they have to throw their dignity out of the window in order to marry some woman they don't know?
<Jmofwiw> No. But the gay Telletubbie is always telling the others how they should dress.
<mrs. mort> Yeah, I am the addict...but he somehow Mort cant stop talking about how much he loves Trishelle from the Real World/Road Rules Inferno.

And did you notice how he got the reality TV show references just right in the captions?

<ajiav> last night i recorded for six hours. i like cold case files. i like turner classic movies. i have four remotes. Let's Ocean Again. The teletubbies are forced to writhe in pain while messages are displayed on their bellies and commands are issued from a microphone. The sun laughs at their suffering.
<Jellyloo> The Teletubbies have a Noo-Noo. I wish I had a Noo-Noo.
<Mort> We had a vacuum called Henry, he had a big smile on his face.


<Jellyloo> Henry is cute but could he clean up messes of Teletubbie proportions?
<yoyology> In the tradition of Mostemailed, Build Your Own Meat at ...www.monkeydyne.com...
See my first attempt at ...www.monkeydyne.com...
<Mort> Jellyloo - I think so, Henry was built for comercial use. 1000 watts strain away unde r that cute exterior.
<3Suns> What kind of a name is "Henry"? "Henry" sucks!
<Lauren> Watch it there, 3Suns.... you never know whose BF you are insulting nor do you know how big he is.
<Jellyloo> I wish they would make more commercial use things with faces; Trash compactors with malevolent grins, dishwashers with a sick green look, drill presses that looked like they really, really liked what they were doing.
<3Suns> Easy there Lauren... no offense intended. It was a pun... Henry the vacuum cleaner... sucks...

(you call him Hank?)

<Lauren> Yes, and I just this weekend found out that I may be the only one who calls him that.
<Mort> I'd like a pen that whistles a funny tune as you write, and says 'uh-oh' when you spell something wrong.
<3Suns> Imagine being in a classroom with 40 people taking notes with Mort's Magical Pen. I think it would be a certain brand of hell.
<mypalmike> It might be the "Paper Mate" brand of hell.
<mypalmike> I think it was better when everyone just did one caption per day. Now, we have to slog through 20-40 of them. Which is fun. But it does take some time.
<ajiav> the good ideas don't always come the first time.
<Pedro Gonzales> Yeah...sometimes It takes dozens...
<yoyology> It often takes a village. Do you know how long it takes to sacrifice an entire village?
<3Suns> What kind of sacrifice are we talking about? Greek? Judaic? Hunnish? Mongolian? Aztec? How am I supposed to answer the question if I don't know who's doing the sacrificing?
<Roger Mexico> You mean besides being funny wackos you're all film buffs? Cool. Last night I watched Hitchcock's classic "Rebecca" on the new DVD. Pretty amazing. Today I picked up the new DVD of Visconti's "The Damned" - a WAY over-the-top Nazi slime and bloodfest. But I'll probably end up watching "Runaway Jury." I'll let you know how it is. Pleasure to play with you lunatics.
<Roger Mexico> You mean besides being funny wackos you're all film buffs? Cool. Last night I watched Hitchcock's classic "Rebecca" on the new DVD. Pretty amazing. Today I picked up the new DVD of Visconti's "The Damned" - a WAY over-the-top Nazi slime and bloodfest. But I'll probably end up watching "Runaway Jury." I'll let you know how it is. Pleasure to play with you lunatics.
<Roger Mexico> Excuse me - hiccups.

By the way, would anyone be interested in the genuine, foolproof, unpatented but guaranteed cure for hiccups?


I didn't think so.

But I DO have it.

<guyPaulo> I have House of the Dead here, the new movie based on that video game, which in itself is a recipe for disaster.
<Carol> Ed Wood - Johnny Depp in angora.

Sorry, I'm a little skeptical of a hiccup remedy that so closely follows a discussion of sacrifice efficiency.

<3Suns> The surest cure for hiccups is a sharp upward blow to the solar plexus. It will paralyze the torso and legs momentarily, but leave the diaphram unspasmodic once the paralysis has passed.
<Roger Mexico> My cure is MUCH less painful, 3Suns.
<Lauren> So do tell, Roger.
<mypalmike> Guns don't cure hiccups. People cure hiccups.
<mypalmike> If you outlawed hiccups, only outlaws would have hiccups.
<MLimburg> In Soviet Russia, the hiccups get you!
<MLimburg> I've heard that getting zapped by an electric CPR unit will cure them, but the side affects are heart stoppingly bad.
<Lauren> Something funky is going on with Mort's people counting feature... it has me listed twice... in two different places.
<MLimburg> Lauren, have you been cloning again?
<Mother Bush> Please stop tormenting Lauren, boys!! She is a good girl, and would NEVER behave like that SLUT in the picture!
<Litt'l Bush> awwww .. yes mum!

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