Earlier this morning, a small child was attacked by mutant squirrels while playing in the park. Miraculously, only his diaper sustained any damage. |
|
Due to the alarming spike in the frequency of squirrel attacks, the federal government has issued a Code Orange. Call the FBI immediately if you see these mutant squirrels, which are described as being incredibly swift, sharp-toothed, |
|
five-foot-tall, anti-American, cowardly, freedom-hating terrorist squirrel bastards. |
|