[Most Emailed Photos] [Most Fortunate Fortune]

Most Emailed Photos - 02/08/2004 by Mort
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We were so poor growing up. All we had was a cow, until Bush's taxes on the poor meant I had to go sell it. All I got from the banker, for our cow, was some "magic seeds".

My mother spanked me hard that night, for believing that the seeds were magical. So I threw the seeds through the window and went to bed hungry and sad.

When I awoke in the morning I couldn't believe what had grown.

Now we are no longer poor and have moved on to harder drugs.


The challenge was to take the top 3 most emailed photos on yahoo and create a hopefully amusing story about the sequence. I reserve the right to refuse a disturbing picture, this includes any pictures of celine dion.

Please feel free to add alternative captions if you can or comments if you can't.

All rights to the photos belong to the companies in brackets beneath them. All text, concepts and layout is copyright Mort 2003-2007.


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Board [Post Message]

So here I am in my father-in-laws, without a single tool to manipulate images or connect securely to unix.

One thing my father-in-law does have though, is a very cool cat, I have nasty red lacerations all over my body to prove how playful he is. You might not know that I am deadly allergic to cats, another thing you might not know is that I have a stupid tendency to throw common sense out of the window and play with cats...

So Saturday night became sort of strange, in a kind of itchy, sneezy and deadly wheezing way. I also brought my empty asthma inhaler to Oregon, which made it very hard for me to go to sleep, instead I (using my allergy infected brain) had many weird but connected dreams. Here is my dream log:

1 am, finally managed to fall asleep, I dreamt that I had an email from Carol on mostemailed.com. Suddenly as I read it I was at her house, which was a wonderful rose covered cottage. We sat and had tea together, which is strange since I hate tea, she was a 20 something version of Miss Marple. I woke up at 1:30am wheezing.

1:50am fell asleep again, this time I had an email from guyPaulo, again I was dragged (screaming) to his house. He lived on a farm, he was dressed like a hick with a straw coming out of his mouth. We talked about the price of pigs and the uses of chicken gizzards, he made innuendos about pigs and chicken gizzards. I woke up at 2:10am wheezing and wondering why I was dreaming all this.

Fell asleep again at 2.15am, this time I had an email from Lauren, and I was zapped to her very cool brown stone townhouse. Inside it had the most marvelous floors and moldings, Lauren was rollerskating around leaving mad wheel marks on the wood floor. I woke myself up again by coughing.

Once more I managed to fall asleep at around 2:45am, and once more I had an email, this one from Mountaineer. I found myself in a very cozy Mongolian tent/hut made out of Yak skins, there was a large fire inside and Mountaineer gave me a cup of tea with fermented yak butter in, which is again strange since I don't like tea... We toasted a few marshmallows on the fire then she said we needed to spy. So we looked outside the tent and saw a hoard of Mongoloids majestically sweeping across the plains. I woke up again sweating and wheezing.

I fell asleep about 10 minutes later. I received another email. This time I was in a car chase, on the streets of San Francisco I think, the cars were all 1970's Cadilacesque. We were chasing a serial killer, I saw him in the car driving next to me, he looked very intense. I automatically assumed it was Yoyology.

I woke up, it was 4am, and I couldn't make myself sleep anymore after that nightmare and the wheezing in my lungs. So instead I went online to write cryptic comments in peoples livejournals.

Sorry for the bad spelling and grandma.

There are 23 messages for this day.
<guyPaulo> I'm starting to think that the middle photo is a pic of Mort's garage.
<yoyology> My stars! The otter is back!
<Lauren> Carol's place sounds coziest, but I would rather visit the mountaineer abode of your dreams, Mort. You might need to talk to someone about your fear of guy and yoyo.

For the sake of accuracy in your dreams, I must tell you that I do live in a townhouse in the center of a large east coast city. However, my floors are carpeted and the walls are mostly wood (one wall in the living room is brick). There are no moldings anywhere in the house, but I do have an Eames wood burning stove in the living room. The place was designed and built in 1927 by Architect George Daub in a style that is a cross between Art Deco and Mission. It is really cool.

<guyPaulo> Don't fear the farm Mort. Its fun once you get used to it. Bring some girls when you come next time and we'll play "hide the skinny pink hog in the chick(en)'s gizzard until he spits sour cream."
<JulieK> Mort you and I are the same in regards to CATS! They are irresistable.
<guyPaulo> Hehe, here's a link for the "dog-lovers" out there.
<Lauren> OMG, the one on the far right looks like my dog, only smaller. My little guy weighs 60 pounds. I wonder how much I could get for him in Hanoi...
<Mort> I was just letting you know that you are beginning to infect my dreams.
Mountaineer's place was the best, I spent the most time in that dream. She was easy to hang out with for a spy.
<yoyology> What on earth would make you think I'm a serial killer?
<3Suns> What worries me most about the dog picture is those things on the right side of the table on top of the pile. They look like split watermelons.

I never knew you could go anywere to buy "half a dog"

<Lauren> If they had been saggital cuts, I would have assumed they were for those with smaller families, but those look to be horizontal cross sections. My guess would be that there are just certain dishes where dog butt is the wrong cut.
<Miss Marple> I told Mort that yoyology was responsible for the dead body in the library.
<Jmofwiw> What kind of wine goes with dog?
<yoyology> How about a nice barkundy? Or a Cabernet Sauooooooooovignon?
<yoyology> And, just for the record, one dead patron doesn't make me a serial killer.
<3Suns> Yoyology... in the library... with the lead pipe!
<Jmofwiw> I guess I'd have to check the Whine List.
<yoyology> I always liked the rope.
<guyPaulo> "Barkles" and James Wine Cooler. Thank you for your support.
<guyPaulo> Get it? "Bark" and "Bartles"......
<yoyology> Uhhhhh, nope. I don't get it. Please explain in more detail. Can I get a diagram? I'm more of a visual learner.
<Mort> The serial killer just looked very intense, and I guess to my unconcious mind you come over as intense Yoyo.
<David Byrden> I have to log off in 3 minutes.

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