[Most Emailed Photos] [Most Fortunate Fortune]

Most Emailed Photos - 01/25/2004 by Mort
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It's the dawn of a cool brand new year.

The year of the monkey looks like it's going to be very colourful one.

In fact I've already broken my new year's resolution.


The challenge was to take the top 3 most emailed photos on yahoo and create a hopefully amusing story about the sequence. I reserve the right to refuse a disturbing picture, this includes any pictures of celine dion.

Please feel free to add alternative captions if you can or comments if you can't.

All rights to the photos belong to the companies in brackets beneath them. All text, concepts and layout is copyright Mort 2003-2007.


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Board [Post Message]

I'm sure all of you have had that feeling that someone is talking about you.

"My ears are burning", my mother used to always say, then she would find her an apple to help her workout the first letter of the name of the person talking about her. This last friday I had the chilling feeling that someone was crying out for me. There was nothing I could do for them, since I was all out of apples.

This Saturday morning I had the best dream I have ever had, this time I wasn't dying. Oh! No it was much worse than that.

It started in some city, I parked my car in a very bad area of town, on top of a skyscraper for some reason. I was wondering, wandering around the worst area of town, when I saw an internet booth. So I decided to use it to check out the website of a man who I want to be friends with, but who actually hates me.

His website turned out to be a large eBay auction website with a large image of his warehouse and all the weird stuff he sold. I was staring at the image on the screen when I suddenly realized that I was in the warehouse, it was a large barn in a forest, just off a main road. I decided to look for something to buy from him, so I could email him, and perhaps we could be friends. I walked around, the warehouse was crowded with people. I saw the cash register so I decided to walk towards it to see if he was there.

When I got into full view of the register I saw someone else selling items. Someone radient. Suddenly everything else in the warehouse blured into abstract, she stood out in stunning full detail.

She glanced my way and our eyes met for an instance. I quickly turned and walked out towards the door, feeling intense shame for being where I was.

I reached the road, when I finally couldn't resist glancing back. She had followed me out, and again everything melted into abstract except her.

She saw me, I saw her mouth "Oh fuck!" and then smirk ruefully. I turned and started to walk towards her, she walked towards me. We were just about to speak, WHEN I WOKE UP!

When I woke up I desperately needed chocolate, but I had none. American chocolate is pretty awful, with the exception of what I call Schnarfen Barfen because I can never remember what it's real name is.

There are 35 messages for this day.
<Mort> I've been having some weird dreams recently.
<David Byrden> There are dreams wherein your subconscious is trying to tell you something profound about your life.

And there are dreams where you are just making up wierd shit as you go along.

<Axolotl> Mort, I like your new blog-style editorials! Keep'em coming!
<guyPaulo> I dreamed I was smoking pot with Paris Hilton last night. Seriously.
<yoyology> I had a dream where I was standing in sort-of Sun God robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at me.

Why am I the only one who has that dream?
<3Suns> I don't think you are, yoyo. I seem to remember a certain Val Kilmer having a very similar one.
<3Suns> Ok, that pic of Johnny Rotten and the model and the koala is just about the funniest thing I've seen in a while. I don't know how I'd caption it though...
<guyPaulo> Damn it. My attempt to block my id from Mort's log has failed.
<Lauren> Suggestions please: I have a HUGELY important job interview tomorrow. Last week, I put all of my suits and my down coat in the cleaners for pick up today. We had a huge storm last night and the cleaner is closed for the day. Can I break their window to retrieve my clothing?
<yoyology> I once traveled for a job interview only to discover I'd forgotten my suit. I went to Name Brand Clothing and found a nice spring suit for about $50. It was my lucky interview suit from then on. I hope you have as much luck, Lauren.
<Mountaineer> Mort, That dream RAWKS. Seriously.
<Mort> Thank you Mountaineer. It might rawk, but it ruined my weekend.
<Mort> Mountaineer: Would you be kind enough to post some captions some time?
Lauren: I closely follow the wonderful world of fashion. Suits are out right now, just let the dry clean keep them. What you need for any interview is some sweats with the word "JUICY" on the ass and a thong. Make sure the pants are pulled down far enough to expose the thong. Also make sure you bend over infront of the interviewer enough to show that thong off. That look OMG is so like the most like attractive look in the world OMG.
<Mountaineer> I will do what I can with what I have. I am a spy, you know.
<Mort> I have a gift for you spy. I give you a meaninful silence, sit in it for a while and let weird ideas float into your mind.

Then pass that meaning onto the images.

<guyPaulo> Uhhmmmm, Mort might be kidding, but that thong trick did work for me when I interviewed for that alter boy position.....
<Lauren> Unfortunately, I was away for five days and my juicy sweats as well as all of my thongs (and both sets of pasties) are in the wash.
<guyPaulo> I would be MORE than happy to loan you my thong Lauren......
<Mort> Doesn't she already owe you a pair of Caption Monkie underpants?
<JulieK> I dreamed last night that a ghost was putting spiders on my head :(
<Mort> Just how does a ghost pick up spiders Julie?
<Lauren> Last night I dreamed that I was broke and out of work and .... wait a minute ... that was not a dream...
<3Suns> Lauren, is it an option to just go out and buy a new suit? I don't think the interviewers would be very impressed if you committed a felony to look good at the interview...
<guyPaulo> That depends on the job, 3Suns. If Lauren is trying to get a job with an Asian Street Gang, a felony might just do the trick.
<JulieK> He moved them with his mind, Mort.
<Mort> A male ghost dropping spiders on your head? I think some ectoplasm has a crush on you!
<Jellyloo> I think I know what that is like. Moving things with my mind, that is.
<Mort> I just decided to write a children's story about a 9 year old boy and the ghost of an 8 year old girl.
How coincidental.
<Jellyloo> very. Sounds like a love story.
<Mort> No it's not. It's a story of friendship, but it is very dark.
I need someone to write the girl's viewpoint. I know who my first choice is, and JK Rowling (my second choice) is not returning my phone calls.
<Jellyloo> I know a writer, but she is having some trouble with his hands. I think he had an allergic reaction to a mosquito bite. That does nothing to help you. I will see if my writer knows a writer.
<Mort> That would be most helpful. I need someone female who has a quirky imagination, but knows how it feels to be dark.
Email me sometime if you can think of a match.
<Saltydawg> My girlfriend sounds just perfect for your endeavor. I will ask her if she is interested.
<Mort> Thank you both. I will start writing the first chapter right now. While I am being paid to do other work...
Maybe, like this website, something will come of this.
<Carol> Not as a collaborator suggestion, but possibly entertainment for those who may be so inclined :

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