[Most Emailed Photos] [Most Fortunate Fortune]

Most Emailed Photos - 02/12/2004 by Mort
<--  First Choose an alternative caption:  > Last   -->-->

He thought she was a bit of a wet fish, but when they were finally alone she tore her clothes off and bit him like a rabid animal.

He liked hard and fast and dirty, but she was rough, leaving deep red welts all over his body.

"Ooo Gladis! This is the most sordid caption I have ever read. It is pure filth!"

"I know Doris, the punchline is nasty and pornographic, lets stop reading!"



The challenge was to take the top 3 most emailed photos on yahoo and create a hopefully amusing story about the sequence. I reserve the right to refuse a disturbing picture, this includes any pictures of celine dion.

Please feel free to add alternative captions if you can or comments if you can't.

All rights to the photos belong to the companies in brackets beneath them. All text, concepts and layout is copyright Mort 2003-2007.


These 5 things happened most recently.
Mr. NonameLurker06:44:49Scrawled on the board
Mr. NonameLurker19:25:25Scrawled on the board
apple juice is a verbCaption Monkie18:02:57Alternatiphized #23
Mr. NonameLurker23:59:00drooled over #3
Mr. NonameLurker23:55:29drooled over #32

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Board [Post Message]

Even now I have such bittersweet memories of our love. Valentines day was meant to be the cherry on top of the hot chocolate sundae that was our delicately dangerous love affair. Now on Valentines day -- as I eat this special bar of chocolate -- I try to fill my sorrow with the words I've borrowed, but they can't fill this hole.

It started devilishly divine, you with your impish eyes and your sorceress lips freshly bit. I gave you the rarest phallic orchids, that I personally hunted from the depths of the darkest K-mart, in the jungle that the natives fearfully call "Orange County". With delinquent delight and with machete filled hands you gleefully chopped the heads off each individual flower, while screaming "I DISPISE THEE!" with every vehement blow.

Oh! I can say now, that I fell deeper into alphabet soup with every blow you made, and that soup spelt "L O V E" in all the directions that I looked.

You suprised me with the most wonderous gift, my strong manly jaw dropped, my once quizical eyebrows quivered and I think I peed a little. The whole Snarfen Barfen Chocolate Factory for only us to use for de-briefed debauchery of the most decadent kind.

As we dipped ourselves in the 71% hot chocolate hot tub, I could not help myself from "accidently" slipping my arm across your chocolate covered mounds. Afterwards, after we had tastefully cleaned each other off, we lay naked on the high surveying platform above the huge vats of darkly boiling churning chocolate. The deep thumping motion of the churning chocolate sent vibrations through our closely held bodies, there was only one thing we could do.

You pulled yourself up, and majestically stepped backwards like a hot supermodel being rewound on an oversexed teen's vcr.

"I will mount you like a frisky gazelle!" you declared as you ran gracefully towards me and dove swallow like onto my naked body.

O! I so rue the lubercating effects of rich dark chocolate, as you slid off my body and plunged twenty feet down into the boiling sea of bittersweet chocolate!

"My sweet love!" I gasped, but all I saw when I looked down was a red tinge to the once cocoa coloured liquid.

There are 52 messages for this day.
<jordie3> Your lady is amazing.
<Lauren> Before today, I had fantasized about drowning in a vat of dark chocolate. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be boiling.
<Jmofwiw> _______________________________________
So the manager from the beer factory had the sad task of telling an employee's widow that her husband had died on the job.

"He fell into a twenty-thousand gallon vat of beer and drowned," he sadly explained.

"Oh no," she exclaimed. "Did he suffer much?"

"We don't think so. He got out to go to the bathroom three times before he drowned."

<guyPaulo> Man, 16 captions at 6:00Am (mort time). And its not even Wednesday. Mort needs to put up some Viagra banners and start raking in the cash.
<Morgus> Viagra? Waste of ad money with this crowd... we none of us need it. Hubba Hubba!
<Morgus> Viagra? Waste of ad money with this crowd... we none of us need it. Hubba Hubba!
<Lauren> no, I wouldn't suppose you'd need viagra... not if you can still do multiples.
<guyPaulo> Gosh, its not that rare among women, but a man that can have multiple comments is a lucky soul indeed!
<Lauren> One of my favorite British folk songs is about a sailor who comes from a family known as "Nine Times a Night." A rich and beautiful young widow seeks him out and proposes marriage, but alas is a tad disappointed on their wedding night when he only 'trims her sails' seven times. His response is:

Nine times a night's
a bit much for a man.
I couldn't do it,
but my sister, she can.

<guyPaulo> It used to be that most folks wouldn't really start cranking out the captions til right before lunchtime (central time), but know they really come early.
<David Byrden> I seriously can't post anything. The preview button leads always to another preview button! I'm on Netscape and my usual settings.
<Mort> David - are you sure you are putting your name in?
<3Suns> David: I think that can also happen if you leave one of the panels completely blank. You have to put a space in the box to make a blank panel.
<Lauren> Did anyone else happen to read the caption for the Cow Fish photo? "When scared it can release a toxic chemical which can kill many surrounding fish, including itself." What sort of advantage would this adaptation hold?
<3Suns> Basically, it earns the cowfish a reputation as a tough customer. It's the same reason poison arrow frogs are poisonous... birds might eat them at first, but soon they adapt to not eat them (since those that do die a horrible death). Cowfish are distinctive looking, and predators in its area evolve and develop ways to recognize them. These kinds of highly-developed organisms are, to paraphrase Neal Stephenson, the stupendous badasses of the sea. Much like Stephenson's character Raven in Snow Crash, you don't mess around with it because doing so would cause Mutually Assured Destruction.
<Jmofwiw> Hiro Protagonist would understand.

I love it when they name something in the ocean for it's land-equivalent. Like Sea-Horses because they look like horses... or like Cow Fish, because they can release toxins that kill everyone nearby.

<infosponge> Mmm...toxic fish...
<guyPaulo> I would guess that the poison explosion is an adaptation gone wrong. Perhaps at one point, the fish was immune to the cloud, and has slowly lost its resistance. I have never heard of any other animal with this kind of feature.
<Mort> Tomorrow is V-Day so this was the very last in the series of fatal love stories.
You are now allowed to sigh with relief.
<mypalmike> Mort, just take out the code that says:

if( user == "David Byrden" )

<mypalmike> Oh, great caption today, Mort.
<mountaineer> sigh.
<Handler> Is the mission not going well mountaineer? Or are you sighing for other reasons?
<mountaineer> It was a sigh of relief.
<Handler> Then you are glad Mort has finished his sappy overly romantic drivel?
<mountaineer> Death by chocolate. What a way to go.
<Handler> Death in the lonely wastes of Mongolia would not be the best of ends. You should make sure you escape that fate.
<ajiav> i used to imagine myself swimming in a pool filled with kraft macaroni and cheese. i could hear very well in my head the greasy, sputtering sound macaroni and cheese makes when you are physically moving through a large quantity of its buttery goodness.
<mountaineer> Mongolian chocolate sucks. The yak milk...ugh.
<Mort> I once wanted to live my life on the back of a yak. Never having to get off, waving majestically to my loyal subjects
<3Suns> Yakkety-yak. Don't come back.
<rainbow unicorn sparkle> (sax solo)
<Mort> Bill Clinton?
<rainbow unicorn sparkle> (maniacal laughter)
<Mort> Oh definitely Bill Clinton then.
I guess you have too much free time now Mr. Ex President.
<rainbow unicorn sparkle> (waves tinsel wand over your head, pirouettes and throws confetti)
<Mort> What do you think of the gossip about Kerry having had an affair with an intern?
Do you have any advice for him Mr. Ex-President?
<ajiav> rainbow unicorn sparkle, whoever you are, do not leave. you are too funny of a characterization.
<rainbow unicorn sparkle> (Reveres the feet of apple juice with a look of grave consternation)
<Lauren> *thinks anyone named rainbow unicorn sparkle should always wear a look of internal bliss.*
<yylgy> Just for clarity, those are supposed to be hearts. Apparently, the character map doesn't work quite right.

<rainbow unicorn sparkle> 

Love is greater than hate. Wash up for dinner, and don't be late.

(returns to never-never land to do horribly happy paperwork)

<Mort> Nice to meet you bad character map person.
Have fun in never-never land Rainbow Unicorn Sparkle.

Wow I felt kinda dumb saying that.

<apple juice is a verb> *one solitary tear forms at the edge of apple juice's eye, and in slow-motion drips onto his desk...SPLASH*
<yylgy> What? Did somebody litter?
<ajiav> lol, yc/4yc3/4lc3/4gy
<obtuse> ♥btuse
<♥btuse> Capti♥ns are in Arial, c♥mments are in Times New R♥man.
<yaasan be> burkhan orshoo butin chinee sakhal urga
<Plechazunga> Plechazunga LOVE all you funny letter things on this. All so funny. Happ happ happy Valentine Day from this Plechazunga fella. Real quick. Yes. Go, things on here - make more funny letters for Plechazunga!
<Plechazunga> This so funny, make Plechazunga wet pants all over. Yes. Maybe next day Plechazunga make funny letters to!
<bogino omd> khanan deer khaana khadag baina ve?

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